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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28181034">All I Want</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/InsaneJuliann/pseuds/InsaneJuliann'>InsaneJuliann</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>The Evolution of Buddie [14]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>9-1-1 (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>M/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 20:53:57</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>8,027</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28181034</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/InsaneJuliann/pseuds/InsaneJuliann</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Eddie wishes he knew what to do - how to fix the awkwardness between him and Buck that keeps cropping back up, how much he could push, how to help with whatever has been bothering Buck lately. He doesn't, though, so he just tries his best and hopes it'll be enough.</p><p>The tension just winds tighter the closer they get to Christmas.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>The Evolution of Buddie [14]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1730287</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>51</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>360</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>All I Want</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Look at that, an update already! You're all welcome.</p><p>Hope you enjoy.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Eddie opened the door one morning to Buck leaning on the doorframe and smiling sheepishly.</p><p>“You can just walk in, you know,” Eddie said, stepping back to let him through. Buck had been doing so, before things became… <em>weird</em> between them. They hadn’t really gotten their equilibrium back, yet.</p><p>Eddie knew they really needed to talk, more than the brief mentioning and quick changes of subject before things got too deep that they had both been doing. They did, but there was enough going on in the rest of Eddie’s life that he told himself it was fine to wait until after the holiday season was done and over with.</p><p>Buck shrugged, the smile on his face distracted. Eddie frowned a bit, searching out the dark circles under Buck’s eyes, the tightness in the corners, the way his smile barely creased his cheeks.</p><p>Before he could ask what was wrong, again, Buck said, “I needed to get some Christmas shopping done, wanted to see if maybe you wanted to join me?”</p><p>He cast Eddie an almost uncertain side-eye. Something about his posture – maybe the slight dip of his chin, or the set of his shoulders – made Eddie think of someone who was bracing to be let down, or maybe someone who felt bashful or shy. It wasn’t a look he would have thought of regarding Buck before, but hints of it had been peeking through more and more lately.</p><p>So Eddie shrugged and said, “Sure. Give me ten.”</p><p>They took Eddie’s truck, Buck fiddling with the radio until he found some station playing Christmas music – at least when it wasn’t playing seemingly a hundred commercials. From the corner of his eye, Eddie watched as Buck slowly seemed to relax, if not all the way then most of it.</p><p>The parking lot was already crammed full of people, and it was still a few weeks out from Christmas. Eddie grimaced and didn’t bother trying to find a closer spot, parking at the far end. Buck came around the side of the truck to join Eddie.</p><p>Eddie glanced at Buck’s hand, near his, and almost reached out. But then he started second guessing himself, wondering if maybe –</p><p>Buck’s fingers brushed his, hesitant.</p><p>Letting out a quiet breath, Eddie grasped them, linking their fingers and shifting half a step closer. A glance over at Buck showed him smiling down at the ground as they walked.</p><p>“Who are you shopping for?” Eddie asked as they came inside and grabbed a cart. Buck shrugged, gave a half laugh, and said, “Pretty much everyone? I definitely need to figure out what to get Bobby and Athena, since I can’t make their Christmas Eve party.”</p><p>“What?” Eddie glanced at him with a frown. “Why not?”</p><p>“Maddie wants me over.” Buck glanced at a nearby display with a frown. “I wish she’d decide if she’s getting food catered for it or not,” he grumbled. “She keeps changing her mind, and it’s driving me a little crazy.”</p><p>“I mean, if it’s just gonna be you two and I’d guess Chim and his brother…?”</p><p>“And some other people, Josh I think, I don’t know.” Buck sighed. “She keeps changing her mind. I just. I wish she’d let herself relax, instead of getting all wound up because-“ He cut himself off, jaw clenching.</p><p>“Buck, what-“</p><p>“I don’t want to talk about it,” Buck said quickly. “I’m sorry, I just – I don’t….”</p><p>“Okay,” Eddie said quietly after a moment, trying to figure out what the look on Buck’s face meant. Because Eddie wanted to say Buck looked a bit panicked under the stress, but….</p><p>Buck cleared his throat. “Um. I have no idea what to get Chris, either.” He scrubbed a hand over his hair, now making his way towards the toy department of the store. “I mean, I’m – it’s different this year, y’know? I’m not just… Buck.”</p><p>“Chris’ll love anything you get him. You don’t need to impress him or something.”</p><p>“But-“</p><p>“Besides, that’s what gift receipts are for.” Eddie smirked. “If you get something he somehow doesn’t like, he can return it for something else.”</p><p>Buck looked like he was trying not to smile as he gave a bit of a dramatic sigh and said, “But that’s not the point. I should – I want to….” He trailed off, frowning a bit at one of the endcaps of an aisle, full of a variety of games. Eddie could tell at a glance most of them were for older kids or adults, and Buck seemed to realize that too but still didn’t move. He looked at Eddie, almost painfully earnest, and said, “I don’t want him to feel like I’m not paying attention to him, to what he talks about and likes and wants. I don’t want him to feel unseen, or like an afterthought.”</p><p>Eddie reached out, curling his hand around the back of Buck’s neck, digging his fingers a bit through the hair there. “Hey, c’mon. There’s no way anyone could think that about you and Chris. Buck, you know that kid just as well as I do. You’ve always been good with him, even when we were friends and still getting to know each other. <em>He</em> knows you love him. Just because maybe you strike out on a gift doesn’t mean you don’t.”</p><p>Buck glanced aside, shrugged.</p><p>There had to be more to it. Eddie was certain there was, but he wasn’t sure how to ask, and didn’t think the middle of a crowded store was the place for it. Instead, he leaned up and pressed a quick, soft kiss to the corner of Buck’s mouth, not letting himself second guess it. At least not until he was leaning away again, and his heart leapt into his throat.</p><p>Buck was a little flushed, and there was still something off in his eyes, but he reached up and brushed a thumb slowly over Eddie’s cheek. “Maybe you’re right.” He grinned then, a little sly. “But since you’re here, you can give me feedback on anything I consider.”</p><p>“Ah, the real reason you wanted me along,” Eddie drawled. “Insider info on my kid.”</p><p>“I mean, the view’s pretty good too.”</p><p>Eddie barked a laugh, feeling his face warm a bit, and shook his head fondly. “You’re ridiculous.”</p><p>“Hey, you’re the one dating me.”</p><p>“Ridiculous,” Eddie reiterated. He stepped forward, nudging Buck along again. “He’s not a big fan of boardgames and stuff. You’d have better luck with a giftcard or books or something.”</p><p>“Gift cards are lazy,” Buck complained. “And you and him read so many books, how am I supposed to remember everything you’ve already read?”</p><p>“You know, you <em>can</em> reread books.”</p><p>Buck made a face, seeming so skeptical and displeased it made Eddie grin wide.</p><p>“Trust me,” Eddie said, “I have to talk him out of getting <em>Dog Man: Brawl of the Wild</em> almost every time we go to the library.”</p><p>“What’s even the fun in reading something when you already know what will happen?”</p><p>“You rewatch movies.”</p><p>“That’s different!”</p><p>Eddie rolled his eyes. “Ridiculous.” He stumbled when Buck unexpectedly gave him a little shove, shooting him a mock glare while Buck just glanced around in an overly-innocent, “who me?” kind of act.</p><p>Eddie managed to convince Buck that yes, Chris would be thrilled to get books he’d already read – and yes, he would probably lose his mind if Buck got him a box set of Dog Man books.</p><p>“Why isn’t this one in the box set?” Buck asked, turning one of the books over with a frown, like the answer would be on the back. Eddie looked over his shoulder, almost hooking his chin there. Both of them stilled, just for a moment, and Eddie cleared his throat and shifted aside.</p><p>“Uh, I think that’s the newest one. So they must not have, uh, made box sets with it yet? I don’t know man.”</p><p>“Should I get it, too?”</p><p>“Nah,” Eddie said, shaking his head. “Mari got that and some other graphic novel for him. She told me so I could covertly cancel his hold on it at the library. He was still something like fifteenth in line for it.”</p><p>“Shouldn’t the library have, I don’t know… plenty of copies?”</p><p>“You underestimate how many kids read these.” Eddie grinned, taking it out of Buck’s hands and setting it back on the shelf.</p><p>“Are you sure it’s fine I get this when Mari’s already getting him –“</p><p>“Buck.” Eddie turned around, giving him a stern look. “Stop worrying. Chris adores you, and he’s going to adore anything you get him, but I promise, he really, really <em>will</em> be excited to get those books from you, and he’s not going to care that he’s getting books for more than one gift.”</p><p>“If you’re sure….”</p><p>“I am.”</p><p>Buck hurried to catch up to him; Eddie half expected him to try to ride the cart for a moment.</p><p>“Well what did you get him then?”</p><p>“Me, or Santa?” Eddie asked with a wry smile. “Cause Santa got him that little drone thing he’s been begging for the past few months, while <em>Dad</em> got him the complete series of a certain TV show a certain boyfriend of mine got him into.”</p><p>“Avatar the Last Airbender is a classic.”</p><p>“It’s not old enough to be a classic.”</p><p>Buck beamed at him, no shame. Eddie muttered under his breath.</p><p>“So what, no puppy?”</p><p>He pointed a finger at Buck, eyes narrowed. “Do not go putting that idea back into his head Buckley, or I will have to…”</p><p>Buck smirked, eyes laughing. “Punish me?”</p><p>“Shut up.”</p><p>They stared at each other, trying not to laugh. But then Eddie thought about how the joke kind of didn’t work, anyway, when Buck and he were barely doing more than brief kisses anymore, when Buck barely even spent any nights just sharing his bed lately.</p><p>He cleared his throat, looking away.</p><p>“…Eddie,” Buck said quietly, sounding guilty.</p><p>He shook his head, but reached out and grabbed Buck’s hand, tight. “So who else do you need to buy things for?” he said, changing the subject.</p><p>And Buck, thank fuck, let him.</p><p> </p><p>Eddie needed to send out Christmas cards. It was getting towards the latest time he could send them and be positive they’d get there before Christmas, but he’d been putting it off.</p><p>He wasn’t sure what to do, was the thing.</p><p>Since all those months ago with his parents, he hadn’t heard a word from them, or his sisters. No one else in the family had mentioned them either. It wasn’t like the family coming to LA for the holidays had really happened often, before, but it just… really stood out to Eddie after everything.</p><p>Usually by now, he’d have at least gotten a text from one of his sisters, asking for gift ideas for Christopher. He hadn’t this year. He didn’t want to jump to conclusions, to assume that meant they’d decided to cut him out like his parents had….</p><p>He tried not to think about how he’d been the one to send his parents away. Because while it was true in some ways, he <em>had</em> given them a choice. All they’d had to do was… was just accept him, accept that he wasn’t straight, that he was dating Buck, that he could make his own decisions in life… but they hadn’t. Been able to or wanted to or whatever, it didn’t matter because their choice had been to leave.</p><p>It still hurt, an ache that sometimes flared up when Eddie thought less about the more recent years of struggles and frustration and hurt, and instead of the past. When his parents had been the best people he knew, the ones that he loved so much, that in his younger eyes could do no wrong. That had supported him all his life, even from joining the army to marrying Shannon to having a kid.</p><p>His mom had driven him to all his soccer games and practices. His dad had come home after work and would have a beer while he let Eddie tell him about what had happened at the latest game, or during practice, or at school. His mom had gone to parent teacher conferences; when one of his teachers in elementary school who seemed to have it out for him had tried to pull something, his mom had fought her tooth and nail and gotten him moved to another class with a better teacher. When he’d gotten in a fight in high school, his dad had sat with him on the steps of the back porch, and talked quiet and calm, not yelling or getting angry or even grounding Eddie over a suspension of two days.</p><p>They’d loved him and taken care of him and <em>fuck</em> but Eddie <em>missed them</em>. Sometimes so fucking much he felt like he was teetering on an edge. He wondered if he had been too harsh, too demanding, if he had just… needed to be more patient with them.</p><p>Was it possible they all could have just… ignored it, and kept on at least cordial and distant terms?</p><p>Could they have eventually come around, if Eddie had eased them into it more?</p><p>And it wasn’t just him that had lost them – Chris had too. Chris hadn’t asked Eddie anything about his grandparents since they left. Honestly, Chris seemed to be handling their loss better than Eddie was. And Eddie was thankful for that, for Chris’ sake if nothing else, but… still. Was it fair of Eddie to have taken that relationship, from both Chris and his parents, because of himself?</p><p>It all just felt more… relevant, or harder to ignore, lately.</p><p>It also left Eddie at a loss for what to do over something as fucking small as Christmas cards. Did he reach out to his parents and send them one? To his sisters, who hadn’t said anything either way yet and maybe were just busy or trying to give him space or…?</p><p>At what point did he stop waiting?</p><p>Was reaching out to them undermining his own beliefs, his own value, his boundaries as he had stated them all those months ago – or was it being a better person, extending them the chance to reciprocate, to repair things? Was it bad that Eddie wasn’t sure what he wanted there, to give them a chance or not anymore?</p><p>At what point was it detrimental to give someone another chance after they hurt you, and how could you be sure your own hurt feelings weren’t clouding that judgment?</p><p>Groaning, Eddie dropped his head into his hands. The cards on the table in front of him, with their cheery penguins in scarves and knit hats, seemed to laugh at him.</p><p>“Dad?”</p><p>He looked up, smiling. “Hey buddy.”</p><p>Chris smiled at him, coming over and leaning against his side. Eddie wrapped an arm around him, kissing the top of his hair. Chris reached out, fingering one of the cards. “Do we have any extras?”</p><p>“Maybe,” Eddie said after a moment. “Why, someone you want to send one to?”</p><p>Chris nodded. “I thought it’d be cool to send Denny a card in the mail. Cause I like getting cards in the mail, so maybe he would too.”</p><p>“That would be pretty cool.” Eddie smiled, reaching out and grabbing one of the three cards sitting there waiting to be filled out and addressed. “Here, I don’t think I’ll need this one. You fill it out. Do you want me to do the envelope?”</p><p>“Nah, I can do it.” Chris paused then laughed. “But I don’t know what his address actually is!”</p><p>“I’ll write it down on a scrap paper, you can do the envelope yourself okay?”</p><p>“Thanks, Dad.” Chris gave him a one-armed hug again, then headed to the other end of the table with the card.</p><p>Eddie watched him fill out the card for a moment. He didn’t write much, but used his colored pencils to start drawing a picture in the card instead.</p><p>His parents had made their choice. It wasn’t Eddie’s responsibility to fix that bridge – even if thinking that made him feel a squirm of guilt.</p><p>There was still the chance for things to be okay with his sisters, though, and Eddie didn’t want to assume things there had gone bad when it might not be the case.</p><p>So, he pulled the last two cards towards himself and set to filling them out.</p><p>He and Chris put three cards in the mailbox the next morning on the way to school and work, and Eddie hoped that he’d made the right decision.</p><p>He hoped they would soon have two cards (and somewhere deep down that he didn’t want to acknowledge was there, he still hoped for three) from Texas waiting for them soon.</p><p> </p><p>“We always watch that one only on Christmas Eve, and then we open <em>one</em> present.” Chris explained, leaning against Buck’s side as they searched through the movies for one to watch. “And on Christmas morning Dad tries to make cinnamon rolls, and usually he only burns them a little bit.”</p><p>Buck shot Eddie a grin over his shoulder. “A Christmas miracle, I’m sure.”</p><p>Eddie flipped him off, since Chris wasn’t looking, too busy laughing.</p><p>“And we put on a Santa or Elf hat or ears or those reindeer antlers, and we open presents and drink hot chocolate. Mom used to write down a list of who gave one so we could do thank you cards.” Chris got a thoughtful look on his face. “Dad and I usually forget though, so we don’t do that one so good anymore.”</p><p>Eddie swallowed. Buck nudged Chris’ side, and said, “Maddie always made me do thank you cards, but it was so boring I’d end up sending them out really late.’</p><p>“Your mom and dad didn’t make you?”</p><p>“Not really.” Buck pointed to one movie in question, and Chris tilted his head in thought before shaking it. They kept searching. “Maddie said our grandma was the one that told her it was important, and she wanted to keep the tradition after she died when I was just a baby.”</p><p>“You didn’t get to meet her?” Chris frowned a bit. “That’s too bad. I’m sorry.”</p><p>“It’s okay,” Buck chuckled.</p><p>“Did you have any other traditions?”</p><p>Buck was quiet for a bit, a little frown on his face. It was mostly thoughtful, but there was an edge of something else there, a kind of distance that Eddie wasn’t sure was entirely just to do with thinking back.</p><p>“Not many. Christmas tree and decorations went up the first weekend of December. My parents would have the tree delivered, so we didn’t go pick it or anything – I always wanted to as a kid. Maddie and I would sneak down early on Christmas morning and peek in our stockings, then make hot chocolate and watch whatever Christmas stuff was on TV for a while.”</p><p>“We can have hot chocolates with cinnamon rolls if you want,” Chris offered after a moment, smiling brightly. “That way we can do both traditions!”</p><p>Buck blinked, looking… surprised, and then glanced uncertainly over at Eddie. Eddie frowned back, for a moment not getting what Buck was wanting from him.</p><p>“Uh… if I’m here….” Buck trailed off, frowning a little.</p><p>“Buck might be busy,” Eddie cut in quickly. His throat felt tight. “He has his own family to spend the morning with, Chris.”</p><p>Buck stared, for a long moment, and whatever look was on his face Eddie didn’t like. It shut down quickly, and he turned back to the movies, forcing a bright smile for Chris. “I’ll be by at some point, just not sure when.”</p><p>Chris was frowning, disappointed or maybe just sad. “Oh. Well, we’ll save some presents for then,” he said, patting Buck’s arm reassuringly. “That way we can open some together.”</p><p>Buck’s jaw worked a moment, before he squeezed Chris against his side. “You’re a real incredible kid, you know that?”</p><p>Chris grinned, a little sly. “I know.”</p><p>Buck laughed, the last of that odd look in his eyes fading away. They finally found a movie to watch – The Muppet’s Christmas Carol – and settled on the couch with Eddie, Chris smushed between them. Buck’s arm was over the back of the couch, but not on the side behind Eddie. It felt pointed, it felt like Eddie had done something wrong, but he couldn’t tell anymore what was him jumping to conclusions or being observant. Either way, he ignored it – for better or worse.</p><p> </p><p>“Sorry,” Eddie overheard Buck say quietly as he stepped up to the kitchen to drop off Chris’ dessert plate in the sink. He stilled, glancing around the door frame to see Abuela smile gently and touch Buck’s cheek.</p><p>“Sometimes plans just don’t line up, it’s nothing to be sorry about. We will miss seeing you, though.”</p><p>“Yeah.” Buck sighed. “I really wish I could be here though, instead.”</p><p>Abuela frowned a little. “Well, we wouldn’t mind the extra people, if your sister and –“</p><p>Buck shook his head sharply. “No. No, we can’t. I’m sorry.”</p><p>For a moment, Abuela stared at Buck, eyes narrowed and searching. She sighed, tugging him down until he was bent over enough for her to kiss his forehead. She murmured something to him, quiet enough Eddie couldn’t really make it out. It ended with Buck letting her fold him into a hug, and Buck almost clutching onto her, his face tucked into her shoulder.</p><p>Eddie stepped forward just enough to set the plate on the nearby counter and eased out of the room before they noticed him. He shouldn’t have been eavesdropping anyway.</p><p>In the living room, Yareli was sitting on the floor with Samuel, holding him up while Chris rolled a ball at him. Samuel slapped at it uncoordinatedly mostly, sometimes grabbing it between his little hands and smushing his mouth to the surface. Chris made a face at the baby drool when Sam – with Yareli’s help - rolled the ball back his way, but he was laughing, too.</p><p>Eddie crouched down next to them. “Having fun?”</p><p>“Yareli says they do this for the story time at the library for babies. And then do a lot more songs! She says it’s a real workout.”</p><p>Yareli sighed gustily, blowing hair out of her face. “Look, some of those movement songs really make us parents move. That coocoo clock song is a little mini leg workout, I swear.”</p><p>He grinned, and Yareli picked Samuel up so he was ‘standing’ on his feet. He squirmed, made a lot of baby babble, and reached for Eddie.</p><p>“Yes, go to Edmundo,” Yareli said. “Let mama finally get a bathroom break.”</p><p>“You could have asked,” Eddie pointed out, and Yareli ignored him to instead quickly head down the hall. Eddie settled on the floor, with Samuel in his lap and Chris next to him. Chris grabbed one of Samuel’s rattle dolls and held it out to him, making it bounce around and talk. Samuel babbled, reaching out for it and pulling it towards his mouth.</p><p>“Babies really do put everything in their mouths,” Chris mused.</p><p>Eddie huffed a laugh. “Yeah. You liked to try to taste my keys for a bit there.” It had driven Eddie a little mad at the time, and he’d always felt terrified it was going to hurt Chris – it wasn’t clean enough or it was too hard for his mouth or something. Adrianna had listened to him complain about it once, and the next time he’d seen her she’d handed him a set of plastic toy keys for Chris. Eddie wondered briefly what had happened to them.</p><p>“Why do babies do that?”</p><p>“I guess it’s just one of the main ways they learn about things, for a while.”</p><p>“Huh.” Chris leaned against Eddie’s side, his head on his shoulder. “What do you get a baby for Christmas?”</p><p>“Toys. Clothes – they grow out of them fast. Sometimes books or dolls of things they like.”</p><p>“How do you know they like them if they can’t tell you?”</p><p>“They get excited. You can tell.”</p><p>Chris didn’t seem convinced. “So what are we getting Sammy?”</p><p>“Buck and I found a pretty cool set of bath toys. He’ll have a whole aquarium’s worth for when it’s bathtime now.”</p><p>“And splash water even more, thanks Eddie, Buck,” Yareli said dryly as she reappeared.</p><p>Eddie glanced back, realizing Buck was leaning back against the wall near the door, phone out and a fond smile on his face. He looked up from the screen and winked. Grinning, Eddie turned back to Yareli. “Consider it payback for the playdough.”</p><p>Her eyes narrowed, but she didn’t argue the point.</p><p>Chris looked between them, before focusing on Samuel. “Adults are real weird sometimes.”</p><p>When they got home, Buck lingered in the hall after helping tuck Chris in and wish him good night. He seemed torn, glancing down the hall towards the door, and back to Eddie.</p><p>Eddie wanted to reach out and pull him closer. To slide his hands under Buck’s shirt and along warm skin, to kiss him until they were both breathless, until they were lazy and too tired to really keep kissing. To fall asleep pressed together.</p><p>“I uh.” Buck swallowed. “Abuela thought I was going to be coming over for some… lunch thing on Christmas Eve? I don’t know if you were expecting me to or…. But I got that thing with Maddie and….”</p><p>“All day, huh? Missing out on all the fun,” Eddie said, trying to tease.</p><p>Buck’s expression just looked pinched and he glanced away. “Sorry.”</p><p>“No, Buck, I – I was just teasing,” Eddie said, feeling a little hopeless and a little guilty. “It’s fine.”</p><p>Heaving a heavy sigh, Buck leaned back against the wall, still not looking at Eddie. “And Chris wanted me here Christmas morning, and I – I don’t know if I can.”</p><p>“It’s okay-“</p><p>“It’s not though,” Buck said, testy. “I’m – I have to keep turning everyone down, and I know they’re all disappointed about it, but I just… I promised Maddie….” He let out a breath and it shook slightly. Eddie swore his eyes looked watery when he looked up at the ceiling.</p><p>“Hey, if anyone’s disappointed they can deal with it.” Tentatively, Eddie eased forward. “We’d all love to have you. Chris and I, Abuela, Bobby and Athena. But no one’s going to be upset with you for spending it with your sister, Buck. Or if they are, they shouldn’t be.”</p><p>“And you? You’re not at all upset we can’t spend the holiday together?” Buck sounded almost shrewd. It wasn’t a tone Eddie thought he’d ever really heard from Buck before.</p><p>“No,” Eddie said. “I’m not upset with you.”</p><p>“Liar,” Buck sighed, looking down and crossing his arms.</p><p>A spark of anger flared in his chest, and Eddie took a deep breath and then another when that didn’t force the words on his tongue back. Eventually, he said, “I’ll admit, that just made me upset with you a bit.” He bit back more angry words. “What the hell was that?” They came out mostly even, though Eddie almost winced as soon as he said them.</p><p>“You’ve been upset with me for weeks,” Buck muttered. Eddie had the uncharitable thought that Buck sounded like a sullen teenager. “Since… since I didn’t want to have sex.”</p><p>The anger that flared up was so strong it choked Eddie’s throat. He ground his teeth, clenched his fists, and focused on breathing slow and even.</p><p>His words still came out tight and angry.</p><p>“I am not <em>upset</em> with you because you didn’t want to <em>have sex</em>. But I’m kinda pissed you think I’m that kind of person.”</p><p>“What kind of person?” Buck asked, sounding annoyed, disbelieving.</p><p>“The kind that gets mad at their partner for saying no!”</p><p>“I didn’t say that!”</p><p>“You sure as hell implied it.”</p><p>Buck groaned, a rough sound deep in his throat, and rubbed a hand over his hair frantically. “I didn’t – that’s not what I meant!”</p><p>“Well then what did you mean cause I sure as hell would like to know.”</p><p>“I meant that <em>I’m</em> being shitty!”</p><p>Eddie took a deep breath and turned around. He very carefully did not move a single muscle, no matter how tempting the thought of punching the wall was.</p><p>“Because you didn’t want to have sex.”</p><p>“I – no, just – “ Buck was frustrated – Eddie could hear it clearly. It eased a bit of the furious emotion inside of him, gave him hope he was just jumping to some conclusions again. Thinking in worst case scenarios, something Frank had been encouraging him to notice and change in his own thinking. It was harder than it sounded.</p><p>Buck’s hand brushed his elbow, tentative. Eddie turned around, jaw tight, barely breathing from the whirlwind of everything he was feeling.</p><p>“I feel like… like I tricked you or something. I don’t know.” Buck looked down. His hand trailed down from Eddie’s arm, to curl around his wrist lightly. “I kept saying that… that you could set the pace, and then I freaked out like that. You were upset, and I couldn’t even… I couldn’t even tell you why I didn’t want to. Just that… that it, I don’t know. Scared me I guess?”</p><p>Eddie swallowed. Buck’s voice was small and quiet – and a little ashamed. It made Eddie want to shake someone, and at the same time made him want to wrap Buck in his arms and fix all the hurts inside of him he seemed determined to hide behind smiles.</p><p>Eddie shifted the wrist in Buck’s grasp until he could grab his hand. He brought him to the living room, gently pushing Buck onto the couch and then with a deep breath sitting next to Buck, their thighs pressed together. He thought about maybe grabbing Buck’s face, making him look at Eddie so he could be sure it was sinking in.</p><p>He didn’t. He focused on their hands, and wrapped his free one around them as well, so Buck’s hand was tight between both of Eddie’s.</p><p>“Why did it scare you?”</p><p>“I don’t know.” Buck shifted, uncomfortable. His cheeks were getting pink. “Just… it was a lot? You haven’t – it’d be your first time with a guy, and I didn’t… I wanted to make it good. And I just… was scared. About what would change, maybe, or… I don’t know.”</p><p>Eddie nodded slowly. “Okay.” He took a deep breath. “I don’t need some… some perfect, magical first time. I’ve had sex before, Buck, I know sometimes it’s a bit weird or uncomfortable, or sometimes just awkward. It happens. I wouldn’t swear off sex with you, or our relationship, because we had some kinks to work out regarding sex.” He grimaced and said quickly, “Not those kinds of kinks. You know what I meant.”</p><p>Thankfully, it made Buck laugh. A little watery, and short, but it was a laugh. Eddie would take what he could get.</p><p>“Second, I – I don’t know what you think would change, Buck. All that would change if we had sex, was that we’d have had sex, and probably would have more in the future. Not always – it’s not always easy with a kid down the hall,” he joked, a bit. “But that’s all I can think of that would change. We’d still have our dates, alone or with Chris. We’d still, I don’t know, hold hands while shopping. You’d still do most the cooking, and we’d still sleep like we usually do, and we’d go to work and… what would change?”</p><p>Buck just shrugged. “I don’t know. I – before, things would always change after sex.”</p><p>Eddie’s eyes narrowed a bit. “Before? You mean Abby.”</p><p>Buck shrugged again. “I don’t know, not really? I mean, no one really… stuck around after sex before Abby. Not that I hadn’t had a relationship before or anything, just, they were really short and mostly <em>about</em> sex. And then with Abby –“</p><p>With Abby, Buck had wanted more. And Abby hadn’t ever really given him that. Eddie had a lot of thoughts about Abby, and what he knew of her and Buck’s relationship. None of it was really good.</p><p>“People just don’t stay,” Buck said quietly.</p><p>“I’m staying,” Eddie said, immediately and firmly. “Buck, I’ve told you before, you’re family. I’m not going anywhere.”</p><p>“I know that.”</p><p>“Do you? Because this sounds like maybe you don’t, not really.”</p><p>Buck’s mouth worked – trembled a bit and then his lips pressed together and his throat bobbed. He glanced at Eddie, looking pained and upset.</p><p>“I do. Eddie, I… I do I just…. Sometimes I….”</p><p>Eddie let out a sigh, a feeling of understanding washing over him. “Sometimes it’s just hard to believe it.”</p><p>“Yeah,” Buck breathed. “I want to, and usually I do. Just… its, things have been….”</p><p>“I know something’s going on you’re not telling me.” Eddie stared at him, determined. “I know something’s wrong. But you won’t tell me.”</p><p>“It’s nothing,” Buck muttered, looking down.</p><p>“Bullshit. I said that this summer and look how that turned out.”</p><p>Buck snorted. It wasn’t a laugh, too bitter or jaded sounding for that. “Your parents were assholes.”</p><p>“Not the point here,” Eddie said. “The point is, even if you think it’s nothing, it’s upsetting you. You’ve been here for me through my shit; I want to be here for you with yours. This – it’s how relationships are supposed to be. Two-way street, Buck.”</p><p>Buck was quiet for a bit. He was staring at their hands, brows puckered and eyes distant. “Okay, I… get that. But I – I’m not ready to talk about it, yet. Maybe after-“ He trailed off and looked up, seeming set on something. “I promise I’ll tell you after, okay? But I just… don’t want to talk about it, yet.”</p><p>“Fine.” Eddie sighed. He wished Buck would tell him, now, but at least Buck promised to tell him eventually. And they had just had one heavy enough talk about their recent issues. Maybe one was enough tonight, for both of them. “So, are you staying the night? No sex, just sleeping. Promise.” He tried to smile, lighten things up with a half-hearted joking tone.</p><p>Buck searched his face, that small pinch between his brows still, before he leaned in, kissing Eddie slow and sweet. Eddie reached up with one hand, cupping Buck’s cheek and then reaching farther up to tangle it in Buck’s hair.</p><p>“You’re one of the best things to happen to me, you know?” Buck was quiet, voice a little thick. “I don’t know what I did to deserve someone as patient as you, but fuck am I glad for it.”</p><p>Eddie snorted. “Not sure anyone’s described me as particularly patient before.”</p><p>“You’re letting me have my space to talk. You’re waiting until I work through whatever the fuck is going on with my head about having sex with you. You haven’t kicked me to the curb.”</p><p>“No funny,” Eddie muttered, kissing him again firmly. “That’s called being a good partner, not being patient.”</p><p>“Whatever,” Buck muttered, smiling faintly. “Yes, I want to stay the night.”</p><p>So after a few more soft kisses, they got up and went to Eddie’s bedroom. Eddie curled up around Buck, pressed along Buck’s back. One of their hands were still linked together, and Eddie rubbed his thumb slowly back and forth over the part of Buck’s hand he could reach.</p><p>Exhaustion was hitting him, heavy and sudden. Eddie figured emotionally charged talks could do that. He let himself fall asleep listening to Buck’s own steady breathing.</p><p> </p><p>The week of Christmas, Buck suddenly was full of those too bright smiles again, the ones that came with the tightness at the corners of his eyes and the tension hiding in his shoulders, unseen but easy to feel. He only came over once, on Tuesday, to drop off his presents for Chris and Eddie, and some for Eddie’s family for Eddie to deliver on Christmas Eve for him. He didn’t stay long, just an hour or so. He didn’t quite lose what Eddie had decided was an anxious kind of tension, but he looked at least a little better when he left.</p><p>Eddie of course saw him at work, and Buck did his usual great job at faking being just fine. But Eddie had noticed Bobby eyeing him a few times consideringly. Chim also had started to cast a few uncertain looks Buck’s way, though he never said anything.</p><p>It was during the late night shift on Wednesday that Eddie got up to use the bathroom and found Buck sitting on the railing upstairs, eating something from a Tupperware. He made his way quietly up the stairs and came to join him – though Eddie didn’t sit on the railing like a goddamn dumbass just asking for a strike of bad luck. He reached out, grabbing the side of Buck’s shirt just in case.</p><p>Buck glanced at him and gave a halfhearted smile. “Hey,” he whispered.</p><p>“Hey.” Eddie glanced at the Tupperware, curious, and raised a brow. “Pretty sure Hen counted those and will notice someone ate more than their share.</p><p>Buck snorted a laugh. He grabbed another of the bonbons Karen had made and sent to the station, and held it up to Eddie. Eddie took a bite carefully. Buck popped what was left in his own mouth.</p><p>For Eddie, it was almost too sweet, but Buck just licked his finger of a bit of chocolate and considered the container.</p><p>“Can’t sleep?” Eddie asked. When Buck shrugged, he reached up, brushing a thumb under one of the dark circles under Buck’s eyes. “I’m worried about you.”</p><p>Buck swallowed. His eyes shut for a moment longer than a blink, and he slipped down. Buck set the container of sweets on the nearest surface, before facing Eddie. He wrapped him in a hug, tucking his face down against Eddie’s neck. Eddie grabbed him back, squeezing just a bit and feeling as Buck’s grip tightened almost painfully.</p><p>Eddie ran his fingers through Buck’s hair. Buck still wasn’t talking about whatever it was, and the longer this went on the more worried Eddie got. He wanted to help, but he was afraid to push, so he was trying to follow Buck’s lead on it.</p><p>“Thanks,” Buck said, pulling back after what felt like a few minutes. He gave a sniff; Eddie didn’t think he’d been crying, but maybe he’d gotten close. He considered Eddie, a little frown appearing. “Are you good?”</p><p>Eddie smiled wryly, shaking his head a bit, and ran his fingers through Buck’s hair one more time. “I’m fine. Cross my heart. Like I said, I’m just worried about <em>you</em>.”</p><p>“I know,” Buck mumbled, eyes ducking down. His shoulders slumped. “It’s nothing – dangerous or whatever. No secret fight clubs,” he tried to joke with a lackluster smirk.</p><p>Eddie pointedly rolled his eyes. It at least got a bit more genuine of a smile out of Buck.</p><p>“It’s just exhausting. And stressful.” Buck rolled his eyes. “So of course I can’t sleep.”</p><p>Eddie almost offered to let Buck cram on his bunk with him, before he swallowed it back. He wasn’t – maybe soon, he’d be fine with the thought of the team knowing, but… not yet. Certainly not while Buck was avoiding talking about something big.</p><p>“At least lay down and close your eyes,” he said. “Better to just rest than not eat a ton of sugar. Idiot.”</p><p>“Excuse you, sneaking sweets in the middle of the night is a time honored Christmas tradition.”</p><p>“Just because you always do it doesn’t make it a <em>tradition</em>,” Eddie teased, the bickering banter easy and familiar.</p><p>“Plenty of people do it!”</p><p>“Yeah – kids under the age of ten.”</p><p>“This is like the Avatar thing, isn’t it, you just always got to rain on my parade-“</p><p>“Oh my god Buck let it go.”</p><p>Buck’s smile wasn’t back to normal, precisely, but it wasn’t as strained and fake. And when they all had breakfast the next morning, he was exhausted clearly but not quite as withdrawn.</p><p>Eddie took what wins he could.</p><p> </p><p>A knock on the door interrupted the movie. Eddie glanced at Chris in apology as he got up, and Chris just smiled as he paused it.</p><p>“I’ll wait for you Dad.”</p><p>He smiled at him, promising it’d be quick, and hurried to open the door.</p><p>“Buck,” he said in surprise. “I thought you-“</p><p>Buck surged forward, grabbing Eddie’s face in his hands and giving him one hell of a kiss. It left Eddie breathless, and not in the ‘this is fucking hot’ way. Something about it felt like it reached down into Eddie and pulled all the messy, soft emotions inside of him out. Something about it felt a lot like words, and it made Eddie feel lost and seen all at once.</p><p>Buck barely pulled back, his lips still brushing Eddie’s as he said, “I love you.”</p><p>Eddie sucked in a breath, his mind rushing with static.</p><p>Buck kissed him again, softer, slower, but still just as fucking intense. “I’m sorry I’ve been an ass lately,” he mumbled. “I’m sorry, I’ll explain everything, just –“ He paused, breathing in unsteadily. “I love you. You and Chris, I love the two of you so fucking much.”</p><p>Eddie opened his mouth. The words jammed up in his throat, but Buck smiled. A real smile, that spread slow over his face, crinkling his cheeks and the corners of his eyes in the best way. It was one of Eddie’s favorite smiles, and one he hadn’t seen recently.</p><p>Buck gave him one last light kiss.</p><p>“Can I stay?”</p><p>“Always.” Eddie grabbed one of Buck’s hands when they dropped from his face, waited while Buck kicked off his boots, hung his coat on a hook near the door. There’d been spots for Buck’s stuff among theirs since before they started dating. It looked right to Eddie now, things from all three of them grouped together.</p><p>Eddie led Buck to the living room, where Chris lit up more than their tree at the sight of Buck.</p><p>“You made it!” Chris hugged Buck and laughed. “You said you were busy!”</p><p>“Yeah.” Buck smiled, brushing back Chris’ hair. “I told everyone I had somewhere more important to be.”</p><p>Chris started talking about how they were only five minutes into the movie and could rewind it, so Buck could enjoy it from the start, while Eddie gently pulled Buck back against his side, wrapping an arm around him. Buck sighed, the last tension in him just seeping out until he was limp and clearly exhausted. But he was still smiling at Chris, nodding along as Chris talked about why this cartoon was better than the newer one.</p><p>“Dad says it’s classic.”</p><p>“Well it’s old enough for one,” Buck said, casting Eddie a sly look. It took Eddie a moment, but then he rolled his eyes.</p><p>“It’s a <em>real</em> classic, ask anyone.”</p><p>Buck grinned at him, before shifting to settle more comfortably. Chris wiggled back until he was leaning on Buck’s other side, then pressed play. The familiar music started.</p><p>They had Buck pretty much pinned down between them. Buck looked truly relaxed for the first time all week. The worry that had been nagging in Eddie’s chest was eased. Not gone entirely, because he was sure something had happened, though he had no idea what. But whatever it was, Buck had come here, to them. It was enough, for the time being.</p><p>He looked half asleep by the time the short movie ended. Chris practically scurried over to the tree, already searching out which present he wanted to open. Eddie picked the smallest one for himself, like he always did – always had, since he was a kid.</p><p>“What present are you gonna pick Buck?” Chris asked.</p><p>Buck looked startled for a moment, then cast a glance at Eddie. “Uh, why don’t you pick for me, superman?”</p><p>“Okay!” Chris came over with the one Eddie was pretty sure was from Abuela, placing it in Buck’s lap before sitting on the couch and pulling his own into his lap.</p><p>“Do we take turns, or…?” Buck asked.</p><p>Eddie shook his head, grinning. Chris was already tearing into his. “Nah, it’s a free for all.”</p><p>Mari had gotten him a pair of gloves and a knit hat, both very warm and in the same dark green. Eddie set them aside, watching as Buck finished his. He turned the sweater over in his hands, looking amazed.</p><p>“Did she <em>make</em> this?”</p><p>Eddie shrugged. “She usually does. If it doesn’t have a tag or anything, then yeah, probably.”</p><p>“Wow.” Buck rubbed the soft looking knit between his fingers. Eddie figured it was obvious enough Abuela had made it – the yarn was a light blue, with white and dark grey flecks; it’d go with Buck’s eyes pretty damn well.</p><p>Buck still looked quietly awed, a little smile on his face.</p><p>Chris was giggling. He had a pretty big and rather triangular stuffed shark in his hands. He grinned over at Eddie, saying, “Look what Yareli got me! It’s super heavy but it’s a stuffed animal!”</p><p>Glancing over, Buck made a grab at the tag, turning it over and reading it. “A weighted shark?”</p><p>“Oh, like her weighted blanket! I told her I liked it when I spent the night last month, but that it was kinda heavy.”</p><p>Eddie smiled. “That looks a bit more your size.”</p><p>“And it’s a <em>shark</em>,” Chris said, like that was the coolest part.</p><p>While Chris looked at it more, Eddie leaned into Buck, whispering, “Like he needs another stuffed animal. He already has a zoo’s worth.”</p><p>“Yeah but this one’s a shark Eddie, that’s different.” Buck glanced at him, grin crinkling his eyes.</p><p>Eddie snorted, grinning back. Then he got up, prompting Chris to pick up the wrapping paper around him so Eddie could throw it all away. They put out a plate of cookies and milk, something Eddie figured would probably not be a thing they did anymore sooner than he wanted to think about. Chris was yawning even as he wiggled into place in bed, his shark under one arm, half on his chest.</p><p>Buck and Eddie both kissed him good night and slipped out of the room, leaving the door open a crack. Eddie grabbed his present from the living room, and Buck picked up the sweater, bringing it with him into the bedroom. He folded it up carefully, opening the drawer that held the collection of Buck’s things and slipping it inside.</p><p>Eddie tugged him in for a soft kiss once he came close enough.</p><p>“We can talk tomorrow, after all the hubbub dies down. For now, let’s get in bed, okay? Chris is gonna fucking rise with the sun, and I can usually only put him off until 6:30.”</p><p>Buck leaned some weight against him, ducking his head down against Eddie’s shoulder, arms wrapped around him. Eddie waited.</p><p>“Sounds good,” Buck whispered. He sounded exhausted. “I turned my phone off on the way here,” he added suddenly. “So, uh, if Maddie texts you can you just… ignore her for me?”</p><p>For a moment, Eddie hesitated. He didn’t want her worrying about Buck, especially not so close to her due date. On the other hand….</p><p>“Is she going to hunt you down or something if she knows you’re here?”</p><p>“No,” Buck said quietly. “But I need some space from her, and she’s going to bother you until she can talk to me, probably.”</p><p>“Okay,” Eddie said after a moment. “So long as you let her know you’re okay by tomorrow night.”</p><p>Buck let out a relieved sigh, turning his head to kiss the side of Eddie’s neck.</p><p>“You’re the best. Thank you.”</p><p>They slipped into bed, both leaning close and wrapping their arms around the other. Eddie’s head rested on Buck’s chest, Buck’s heartbeat steady and loud in his ear.</p><p>He mouthed the words he hadn’t been able to say earlier – not from a lack of feeling them, but from a sudden striking of fear – without any sound.</p><p>Buck hummed, pressing a sleepy kiss to his hair. “Love you too.”</p>
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